Why the Car Journey Home Is So Important
Straight after a match, children are often in their most emotional state regardless of the result or how they played. Coaching young children, I often start to see it at the end of training sessions as tempers start to flare. It's worth having this in mind after a game that its probably not the time for a deep conversation about how the game went, but more important to try and give them a snack and replenish their energy levels.
A 2025 study of car journeys home in British tennis found that children resisted or disengaged when parents attempted to critically review their performance, but re-engaged when parents highlighted positive aspects. You can see the same dynamic on touchlines every week -children glancing at their parents every time they give the ball away, watching for the reaction
The car journey home is often where that pattern plays out.
The FA's own research found that 9 in 10 children play better with positive encouragement - it's the basis of their We Only Do Positive Respect campaign, which has been running in grassroots football since 2018.
The Simplest Rule: Let Them Lead
The most reliable guide for the car journey home is: follow your child's lead.
If they want to talk about the match, talk about it. If they're quiet, be quiet. If they're happy and buzzing, share that. If they're deflated, be present without prying.
This sounds simple. From experience the difficulty is you are also processing your own feelings about what just happened. Whether you're frustrated they didn't play well, felt they didn't try, or think the coach didn't give them enough time - you're carrying something too. The child isn't the only emotionally charged person in that car. With all that going on its clear why the car journey home is such a common conversation among football parents, and the source of genuine regret when you get it wrong.
Being a parent means you are emotionally invested in your child doing well, in my experience there is nothing quite like football to bring up your competitive side and it can be hard to distance enough to understand what your child needs in that moment.
This is especially important around trials or higher-pressure environments, where parents can accidentally turn every match into a judgement. If your child is aiming for a JPL team, read JPL Trials: How Do You Get Into the Junior Premier League? alongside this so the post-match conversations stay balanced.
What Works Well to Say
I've tried lots of different approaches and the honest answer is that what works one day won't always work the next as you need to read how your child is feeling. I used to do a 'what would you rate yourself out of 10' with my son. He still asks for that some days and others he doesn't. I try (not always successfully) to follow his lead.
"How are you feeling?"
Simple, open, non-leading. Lets them tell you where they are, rather than assuming. If they say "fine," leave it. If they want to talk, they will.
"Did you enjoy it?"
For younger children enjoyment is the most important outcome as you try to grow a love for football. But as they get older and more competitive, asking "did you enjoy it?" after they've clearly had a nightmare game can feel dismissive. Sometimes they just need you to acknowledge it was hard before anything else.
"I loved watching you"
Not tied to outcome or performance. It just communicates that being there and watching them play is something you value. That means a lot to children.
Nothing
Silence, music, talking about something completely unrelated. Some of the best post-match journeys are the ones where football isn't mentioned at all. Your child already knows what happened. Research from UK organisation Working with Parents in Sport suggests that saying nothing on the car journey home is often more valuable than any post-match debrief.
What Tends to Go Wrong
The performance analysis
"You were doing well until the second half." "Why didn't you track back when they had the corner?" "You were too deep in the first half."
Even when this is accurate, it rarely lands as helpful. I especially struggle with this as I coach my son's team so it's natural to fall into 'coach mode'. What your child usually hears is: I was watching you closely, and I found things that weren't right.
Over time, it can make your child feel scrutinised rather than supported. I've particularly noticed this since VEO and other technologies have come into our life, it would be easy to go through the good and the bad in minute detail, but if my son doesn't lead that or ask for feedback he isn't engaged and it's just underminding his confidence.
The comparison
"Jack was fantastic today, wasn't he - did you see the way he was driving forward?"
Comparisons with teammates are rarely as neutral as they feel to the parent saying them. Children hear these things and make unflattering inferences about how they compare. If you listen hard you can pick up how important this is to children. My son will constantly ask 'who do you think is the best at this?' or ask about one of his team mates but as soon as I say something they did well he'll tell me how he did it better!
The redirect to training
"We need to work on your shooting." "I think you need some extra sessions on your first touch."
Immediately converting a match into a to-do list makes football feel like a job. There's a time and a place for thinking about development - the ten minutes after a match usually isn't it.
Processing your frustration out loud
"I thought the referee was awful." "The coach doesn't know what he's doing." "You should have played more."
Your child was on the pitch. They likely have their own complicated feelings about what happened. Introducing your frustrations - even legitimate ones - adds to an already full emotional load.
Excessive praise
This might seem like the safe option, but constant hyperbole ("You were absolutely incredible today!") can create its own pressure. A child who is told they were incredible after every match learns to need that feedback - and becomes more anxious when it doesn't come.
After a Bad Match
Bad matches are the real test of your emotional control as its often easy to get carried away in the moment. Your child may be quiet, upset, frustrated, or withdrawn. The instinct is to cheer them up, reframe it, or problem-solve.
Often, the most useful thing is to simply acknowledge what they're feeling without rushing past it.
"Tough one today" - said simply, without follow-up - does more for most children than a five-minute speech about how next week will be better. It says: I see that it was hard, and that's okay. The book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish covers this well - the idea that children often just need their feelings acknowledged before they're ready for anything else.
If they want to talk about what went wrong, they'll usually start that conversation themselves. If they don't, it's rarely because they're unable to reflect - it's because they're not ready yet, or because they already know and don't need it repeated.
See: How To Support Your Child After A Bad Match
After a Great Match
Great matches are easier to navigate but have their own pitfalls.
The risk is going too far - turning a good performance into a series of expectations. Children who are heavily praised after good matches can start to feel like they have a reputation to protect, which creates performance anxiety.
Enjoying a great match together - fully, openly - is fine. Just try not to imply that this is the standard they're now expected to hit every week.
The Bigger Pattern
Individual conversations matter less than the overall pattern you've established.
If your child knows, over months and years of experience, that the car journey home is a safe space - that you'll be calm regardless of the result, that you won't interrogate their performance, that football is something you enjoy with them rather than assess - that creates a foundation of trust.
That foundation shows up on the pitch. Children who feel safe at home in relation to football tend to play more freely. They take more risks. They stay involved when things are going wrong rather than hiding from the ball. One of the most useful things I've found is keeping it simple during the game too - just calling "stay involved" rather than specific instructions. It removes the pressure of executing something correctly and just asks them to keep playing. That attitude carries into the journey home.
A Simple Framework
If you want something concrete:
In the first 10 minutes: Say as little as possible. Let them decompress. Music, snacks, or comfortable silence all work.
If they bring up football: Respond to what they raise, without adding your own observations on top.
Later, if you want to talk: Ask open questions. "Was there a moment you really enjoyed?" or "What did you think of the game?" - questions that invite reflection rather than direct it.
What to avoid always: Immediate criticism, comparisons, your own frustrations, detailed analysis of errors.
Football Parent note: This isn't about being falsely positive. It's about managing your own feelings in the moment so your child doesn't have to manage them for you. Your child doesn't need you to be their coach on the drive home. What they need from you is something different - a safe place where football is enjoyable, where mistakes don't create tension, and where the match result doesn't change the atmosphere at home. The simplest version: hug them, ask how they're feeling, and let them lead.
FAQ
What if my child asks me what I thought of their performance?
Be honest but balanced. I've always liked the ranking from ten, but I ask them first: 'How did you think you did'? You then have a place to start from. They're asking for a genuine reaction, not a tactical review. Focus on what they did well, and if they press for something developmental, keep it to one specific thing - not a list.
What if my child is very upset after the match?
Give them space first. A child who's crying or angry after a match doesn't need immediate fixing - they need to be allowed to feel what they're feeling. Stay calm and present, and let them come to you in their own time.
Is it wrong to talk about football at all on the way home?
Not at all - if it comes naturally and your child is engaged. The issue is when post-match analysis becomes an expectation or a ritual that your child can't escape. Relaxed conversation about the match is fine.
My child says they want feedback. Should I give it?
If they're genuinely asking, yes - but keep it proportionate. Pick one or two things, frame them positively where you can, and avoid turning it into a coaching session. There's a reason coaches get training sessions to cover development; car journeys aren't the right format.
What about when the team wins and everything feels positive? Does this still apply?
Generally yes. I've had car journeys where my son has score a hattrick the team has won comfortably and he'd have a massive meltdown on the way home. Often the comedown from the good games can be as emotional as the bad ones. The same principles - follow their lead, share their enjoyment without inflating it - apply in good moments as well as difficult ones. The consistency is what creates safety.
